This is not going to be a happy post.
As mentioned in the previous post, my hamster was very sick. That very day the post was up, he passed on. I was in school that day and I told my brother I did not want to see his corpse when I reach home. (He asked me if I wanted to) I wanted to remember him like how he was when he was healthy.
Some people might think it’s JUST a hamster, not like it’s any bigger animal like dogs, etc. And they’re easily replaceable cheaply from any pet shop. But they missed out the point that it’s still a living thing and emotions build up over a period of time. I don’t know if I appeared ridiculous to my brother when he saw me crying all of a sudden while looking into the cage, or to my parents when I phoned them to want to bring him to a vet.
Ball Ball wasn’t my first pet, I had others back when I was younger. But my parents gave them away, so I didn’t know how it was like to see a pet die. I was never so emotionally attached to an animal as well, so this loss affected me pretty much. The 2 days when his condition became worse was the most unbearable period. It was really heart breaking seeing how he was suffering. One part of me was thinking it’ll be best for him to just go, so he’ll be free of his sufferings, whereas the other part of me couldn’t bear to part with him.
What I regretted most was not checking much on him the past week because I was really busy with school. Life is so unpredictable. One week he was fine, the other he was gone. On Tuesday (the day he was gone) when I saw him in the morning I sort of knew he wouldn’t make it. I had morning project meeting and lecture after that till late at night. I’m glad I decided to go late for my meeting so I could spend more time with him. I held him the last time in my arms and tried feeding him but he couldn’t eat anything. That day’s train ride to the school was the hardest ever. I found myself constantly feeling the urge to cry yet I couldn’t cos it was a public place. I find myself in a constant emotional battle the whole day. One moment I was fine, the next moment I felt like crying. And hearing news of his death didn’t come as a surprise and I was a little glad that his sufferings were over. I remember telling myself on the train ride back home that it’s the best for him, and well I was pretty calm. I thought I could handle it but once I reached home and seeing an empty cage, I knew it I wasn’t okay. It was as if I finally registered that I was no longer going to come home to someone greeting me when I come home.
I really dread seeing the shoe rack corner of my house (that’s where his cage was), because maybe I thought that if I pretended not to see that the corner is now empty, it would be as if he was still there.
Or maybe if I continue playing this GIF animation of him, it’d be as if he’s still alive.
But well, reality is cruel at times.
I just have to learn to accept that the shoe rack will always be empty, his old house as well.. And all the other things which used to belong to him will never be used again.
Some pictures so I can remember him the way I want to. I remember how I used to tell myself when I didn’t get nice shots of him that “I can always do it next time’. But what happens when ‘next time’ isn’t going to come? Too often we take for granted that something will always be there. It’s only when there’s a break in the pattern that we realise that it’ll never be the same anymore.
His favourite vege. Well, it’s his fave cos it’s my fave, and he always seem to enjoy eating it when we feed him that.
Yesterday during dinner I had that vege, and it reminded me very much of him.
Till now my emotions aren’t very stable yet. Sometimes I go around like nothing happened, and the next second I can just burst into tears. It’s like an emotional roller coaster and I hope I’ll be fine soon. This also reminded me how life is unpredictable. Things happen when you least expect it. And well, this might just be the last pet I ever have. It’s fun to have a pet when it’s all cute and healthy, but after this incident, I don’t think I’m strong enough to handle the grief.
I’m so sorry this is such a sad post, I never intended to post sad stuffs once I shifted to my new blog because well.. I didn’t want the negativity to affect people around me.
Ending off with a poem I always like and I think it’s very appropriate. No time/mood to do it nicely, so just a simple and somewhat ugly pictorial:
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Related Posts:
Outfit:
The Crochet top is like my favourite top of the moment. The details on it are so so pretty and intricate!
Colourful floral prints on my skirt. I really like the bold colour combination of the prints. This is like the perfect summer skirt!
(:
Look at how small and scrawny he was when I first got him!!
HAHAHA!
He got big eyes like me!
Do you know that grey Syrians are rather rare? So far the pet shops I’ve been to they usually only have brown/golden syrians! Love how the colour of his fur turned out when he grew older.
Sucking up all the food like a vacuum cleaner!
See what see! I’m 1 years old already big hamster already okay! *act fierce*
“OMG. BUFFET!!! I’m going to eat-all-I-can!”
“Oh wait wait, must say grace first: Thank you God for giving me such a wonderful opportunity to grow fatter”
“Itadakimasuuuuu~”
Stop prodding laa!
Where am I?!
What’s that colourful round thing on the table??
I DON’T WANT TO COME OUT ): ):
